


Who Needs Love?

by itxokayish



Series: (Not So) One Shots [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Abusive Shiro(Voltron), Attempted Sexual Assault, Bisexual Shiro (Voltron), Dubious Consent, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hurt Keith (Voltron), Innocent Lance (VoltronP), Jealous Shiro (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Whump, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith loves messing with Shiro, M/M, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Socially Awkward Keith (Voltron), Underage Drinking, keith loves shiro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2020-01-24 02:34:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18562177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itxokayish/pseuds/itxokayish
Summary: Love is like a drug. Pulling in two separate people into a whirlwind of emotions and compassion. Love is happy and although confusing at times, somehow it makes sense, somehow you find happiness and joy and whatever the hell the movies tell you.Keith wouldn't call this love, but he's good at making excuses.(There's two versions. Why? I really don't have a good answer)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I thought I should start a little "series" of me making characters go through unnecessary emotions. And of course, making characters mean and complicated, so here you go.

Shiro has always been his best friend.

Maybe that's why  _this_  was so hard.

"You smell nice. Did you change your shampoo?" Shiro asked him as they cuddled on Keith's couch. Somehow Shiro had barged his way into his life, again. 

Keith hummed a response as he settled himself deeper in Shiro's hold and tried to fake he was actually watching the movie they had put on. 

He was supposed to be on a business trip. Shiro had a career, a  _successful_  one, and he was always traveling. In comparison, Keith was just as ordinary as the next person in New York, just trying to follow his dreams in a city that is supposed to promise that. Either way, Shiro always managed to come back, unannounced and manipulate Keith into anything he wanted, have him swooning at his feet, smile at his jokes, or better yet happily by his side. 

 _Pathetic_.

Was the only word Keith could associate to his dumb behavior. He would always do anything Shiro wanted. It's always been that way, ever since they were kids and Shiro's family took him in.

He was fifteen and Shiro was two years older. At first, Keith wanted nothing to do with his new "adoptive brother", but Shiro wouldn't have it that way. He would invite him to eat, would show kindness in a way that no one had ever done so. He would  _be_  there and no one had ever  _been_  there, not for Keith. 

It was easy for Shiro to be the best person Keith had ever met, and he knew that. He u _sed_  that. It didn't become...more than a friendship, till Keith turned sixteen. Shiro's parents were out of town and they left them alone. Already, Keith was crushing on Shiro, so when they both got drunk that one night, it didn't help at all to keep whatever it was he was holding in, well  _in_. 

They kissed, and then their clothes got looser, buttons became unbuttoned, and bodies became a hot mess of gross teenage hormones and emotions. 

Keith had to admit, the first time hurt, like a motherfucking bitch. Shiro didn't help cause he was just as hazy and irrational as Keith. 

When they woke up the next day, Keith thought that they would go on about their lives, ignoring whatever the hell had happened that night, but Shiro held onto it. He got out of bed, put on the closest shirt he could find on the floor and headed towards his room, only to be stopped by Shiro who took one look at him and pinned him to the wall to do the same dirty and foolish thing they had done the night before. 

After that, the cycle kept repeating. Shiro kept pushing him further, and Keith let him. When they attended school, during Shiro's last year of high school, Keith learned just how much power Shiro truly had over him, how much he needed him to be happy, and it didn't take much to say, how much he needed him to  _survive_. 

But of course, Keith was still full of fire. He would still get into fights at school, and better yet he would get into fights with Shiro. With Shiro though it resorted in a lot less punching and blood, and a lot more kissing and lust. Both resulted in tears though, with Shiro they were always Keith's tears.

Up until Keith went off to college, Shiro continued to keep in constant touch. He would always come over for dinners. He would stay to watch the house while his parents went on vacation. He would do whatever he wanted to Keith. All he had to do was say the words, and Keith would push back everything, his hesitations, his tiredness, his dignity, all of it. All of it for Shiro. 

It was something they kept hidden. Their dirty secret that no one could ever find out. Keith could live with that, at least he thought he could until Shiro got a girlfriend. 

Every time after that, it felt wrong. Keith felt like he was intruding on someone's life and going against some type of moral code by letting Shiro do what he wanted. He just bit his tongue though because if he pushed Shiro away, there was a chance he would never come back. 

If he told him that he wanted him all to himself, there was a chance he would lose all of him. So if it was the only part of Shiro Keith could hold onto, then he would do it. 

He didn't make it easy for Shiro though. Once he got into college he partied a lot, talked to a lot more people,  _met a lot more men._ Some he dated, some he just used to get Shiro's attention.

Some he used to forget he wanted Shiro's attention. 

All of them made him feel horrible about himself. 

Even after Shiro broke up with his girlfriend, Keith was unable to break out of the cycle.

He had become something he hated. Always coming back to Shiro and using people to get there. 

"How's senior year been going?" Shiro spoke up after running his fingers in Keith's hair. Keith rolled his eyes at the question. 

"You come into my apartment from the west coast to ask me how senior year of college is going?" Keith asks, his tone was sarcastic and harsh. 

"I guess it's a bit off key for me," Shiro replies, pulling Keith's head in and kissing his forehead. Keith lets out an annoyed groan, but before he can make another comment Shiro captures his lips. 

"Haven't seen you in so long. It gets lonely without you," Shiro says, his hot breath on Keith's lips. 

Keith doesn't say anything to that and continues kissing, pushing deeper. 

The night progresses like that, and Keith awakes to an empty bed, and a text message with a cheap excuse. 

* * *

Keith didn't really have many friends growing up. Not with all the foster homes, and definitely not with how bad his temper was growing up. Now, he didn't really have any friends out of pure choice. It wasn't that he wasn't approachable, it's that he just didn't want to deal with people. 

That's why when Lance fucking McClain asked him to be his partner in a writing workshop he couldn't be more annoyed. The dude was actually the most emotionally draining person that Keith could think of. He was so loud, so talkative, but most of all he was so flirtatious. 

Everyday Lance would make a comment that would have Keith blushing or turning red, making everyone around him think he was constantly having a fever. And all Lance did was laugh at what type of misery he constantly caused Keith. 

The workshop partnership turned them into go-to partners, surprisingly. But Keith didn't really like branching out to work with other people, and Lance seemed not to mind him being his partner, so they kept the agreement as the year progressed. 

Lance said he was going into journalism, but that he also wanted to study photography. That meant that Keith got roped into a lot of photography projects. It's what finally convinced him to cut his hair. 

When he thought back to why he didn't cut his hair, it was mostly for Shiro. He always talked about how he liked braiding Keith's hair, how he liked how silky and smooth it was to run his fingers through. But Shiro hadn't come in three months, and Keith was taking full advantage on how Shiro was loosening the hold he had on Keith. 

After they graduated they stayed in touch. And for the first time in a while, Keith had felt that he could finally stand on his own. And a big turn of events happened when he went to a party.

He wasn't a people person, which meant he wasn't a party person. 

Because Lance begged him to go to his _twenty-second birthday celebration_ though, he became both of those people for just one night. Lance's friends were with him for a while before he drifted into a room by himself and started reading a book on his phone. He thought he could get through the whole noisy fiasco this way until someone found their way into what he had claimed as his "escape social contact" territory.

Apparently, the guy was looking for the same type of solace, and Keith just continued ignoring his surrounding and sat reading in one of the chairs by the corner. He thought everything was fine until he soon saw the guy in front of him, and he could suddenly smell how utterly wrecked and hammered the dude was. It almost made his eyes water. 

"You're sure pretty," the dude had said and Keith brought his sober self to look up in annoyance. 

He had dealt with enough guys to know how to get out of the situation, but as he met the guy's eyes he realized it had been one of the guys he had used to get back at Shiro. 

"Why did you have to leave me?" The guy asked, his voice hiccuping and his gaze unsteady as he placed his arms to lean against the wall, forming a cage-like structure around Keith. 

Keith just rolled his eyes and maneuvered out of the chair. It wasn't that hard when the guy was closer to black out drunk than actual reality. The guy tried to grab at his arms, but Keith just hit hem away. As he left the room, he could hear the guy vomiting. 

As he made his way back downstairs he immediately made eye contact with Lance, who was singing "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" at the top of his lungs on the karaoke that was set up because of course, Lance would set up a karaoke. 

Lance had put on the widest smile Keith had ever seen, that if he didn't know him it would indicate he was an actual serial killer. Keith could tell Lance was a bit tipsy, but still sober. Surprisingly, even with all his big talk, Lance hated alcohol and hated getting hammered. 

He saw how Keith was eyeing the door, his eyes darting from Lance towards the exit, and Lance ran up to him and grabbed him and made him dance.

"Come on, it's my birthday. Stay, you asshole," Lance said and Keith decided that he would stay for a little bit.

The total opposite happened because the last thing Keith remembers from that night is lots of tequila shots, a love confession, and arguably the best make-out session of his life. 

* * *

 

Shiro shows up within the next week and Keith decides he doesn't want these  _meetings_ to continue happening.

They were sitting on his bed. Shiro was going on about how Keith cut his hair and Keith just zoned out. Well until Shiro tackled him on the bed towered above him. 

"I came all this way, and you don't miss me?" Shiro asked, his voice sounding all hurt as he pushed Keith's bangs out of his face and started kissing his temple. 

"Get off of me, you big dick," Keith retaliated as he groaned in annoyance. 

"I do, in fact, have a big dick," Shiro teased as he continued. "But you would know that wouldn't you," he continued, and Keith could feel the hardness against his body. 

"You are so annoying," Keith responded as he turned his head to the side. Shiro took that as an opportunity to suck on his neck.

"Why are you holding back all of a sudden?" Shiro asked, his voice filled with irritation. As if having Keith just melt in his hands like putty was always what he expected. 

Keith didn't respond and just placed his hands on Shiro's chest, still avoiding eye contact. 

"Are you seeing someone, again?" Shiro asked as if it was such a typical question to ask. 

"Why are you like this?" Keith asked, a little quieter in case it pissed Shiro off. 

"What do you mean  _like this?_ " Shiro asked as he looked down at Keith, grabbing his chin so he was forced to look at him. "You made me like this. With your teasing and your little games you played when you dated other people."

Something in Shiro clicked. 

"Is that it?" Shiro asked. "Are you dating someone?" He teased and Keith pulled his chin away and turned red. Shiro laughed as he dragged his hand up Keith's shirt, pinching and causing Keith to yelp. 

"Shiro," Keith said, not knowing what he wanted exactly. 

"You were fine doing it when I was with Allura. But you can't do it when your reputation is on the line? That's a bit selfish don't you think?" Shiro asked as he flipped Keith over and worked him. 

"It's not that," Keith gasped out, gripping his bed sheets tighter. 

"Is he better than me? Is that why? Does he know what you like?" Shiro asks. 

Keith doesn't respond.  

"So, he must not be that good," Shiro says as he continues. 

"He's good at talking," Keith lets out, his mouth agape. "And kissing," he adds. "He also gives really good blowjobs, you assh-," Keith tries to say before he feels Shiro yank his hair. 

"It's not nice to talk about other guys when I'm inside, it's rude, Keith," Shiro whispers, menacingly. 

Keith couldn't even speak. He didn't even know why he said that. Sure, Lance liked him, but they hadn't made it past kissing and pathetic excuses for dates. It wasn't anything special, but he knew it would piss Shiro off.

"You-fast, too fast," he pants and Shiro doesn't listen, instead just lets go of his hair.

"I've been with you for eight years. I know what you like Keith. You grew up in _my_ house. I was your first," Shiro kept rambling on, but Keith's eyes started watering, and he struggled to string sounds together to form words.

"You don't care about me," Keith responded angrily, picking himself up so he didn't smother himself on the bed sheets. "You come when you are lonely, and you leave me here," Keith continued. "Don't pretend like you are a big part of my-," Keith tried to continue, but Shiro yanked his head back again and turned his body so Keith has to face him.

"Don't pretend  _you_ don't want this. You chased after me every time. Since you were a teenager I could see how hopelessly in love you were. If you really didn't want this you wouldn't even answer the door. You are more than capable of doing what you want. If you didn't want me around, you would push me away. I know you would. And you know I would stop. Don't make me something I'm not, Keith," Shiro said.

Then he scoffed.

"We both know you open that door and answer my calls because you want to, because you can’t live without me," Shiro said. 

And it hurt more somehow hearing it from him. 

He could handle knowing how pathetic he was but facing the fact that Shiro knew it too and used it for his own benefit.

It was a different kind of hurt. 

He didn’t speak after that. He just wrapped his arms around Shiro’s neck and ground his teeth together through it all, letting the build up of tears just cascade down his face.

He truly was pathetic. He didn’t even know what he wanted. A relationship? To go back when they weren’t like this?

Keith liked the sound of that, but no.

The truly messed up part about it was  that he knew exactly what he wanted, but Keith knew they were already too fucked up to ever get there.

 _He_ was too stubborn to ever tell Shiro how much he loved him because for so long he hated the power Shiro had over him.

So for now, they would settle for this. 

Keith would _always_ settle for this.


	2. Who Needs Love? (Version Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, after two months of not updating anything, I have chosen to update a one-shot that no one reads or asked for. Why? I have no idea really, nor do I have a good excuse other than I was possessed by some demon to make it much darker and sad than it originally was. 
> 
> I can't find it in myself to take away the first version though because what if people actually prefer the not so horribly saddening one, you know? So here we are now, feel free to comment on how much of an awful human being I am, or on what you want me to do next. 
> 
> Thanks for reading
> 
> TW: Dangerously not so Dubious Consent, victim shaming, manipulation, abusive relationship

Shiro has always been his best friend.

Maybe that's why  _this_  was so hard, the constant back and forth.

"You smell nice. Did you change your shampoo?" Shiro asked him as they cuddled on Keith's couch. Somehow Shiro had barged his way into his life, _again_. 

Keith hummed a response as he settled himself deeper in Shiro's hold and tried to pretend that he was actually watching the movie they had put on, and not trying to control his racing thoughts.

Shiro was supposed to be on a business trip. Shiro had a _career_ , a  _successful_  one, and he was always traveling. He was making a name for himself. In comparison, Keith was just as ordinary as the next person in New York, just trying to follow his dreams in a city that is supposed to promise that. Despite all of this though, Shiro always managed to come back, unannounced and manipulate Keith into anything he wanted, have him swooning at his feet, smile at his jokes, or better yet happily by his side.

 _Pathetic_.

That was the only word Keith could associate to his dumb behavior. He would always do anything Shiro wanted. It's always been that way, ever since they were kids and Shiro's family took him in.

He was thirteen and Shiro was two years older when that happened. At first, Keith wanted nothing to do with his new _adoptive brother_ , having had multiple experiences with the kids of parents bullying him or getting jealous that he was “invading” in their life, but Shiro wouldn't have it that way.

He would invite him to eat, would show kindness in a way that no one had ever done so. He is the one that taught him to ride a bike after years of not knowing how to, the one that would pull him out of his exclusive bubble of emo-loneliness and keep him out of it. He would  _be_  there and no one had ever  _been_  there, not for Keith. 

It was easy for Shiro to be the best person Keith had ever met, and he _knew_ that. He u _sed_  that. Even if it didn’t start out that way, Keith was fully aware that Shiro was conscious of the effects he had on Keith. It didn't become...more than a friendship, till Keith turned sixteen and Shiro was in his junior year of high school. Shiro's parents were out of town and they left them alone. Already, Keith was crushing on Shiro, but he blamed it on his horny teenage boy hormones. The second night of them being alone though, they both got drunk, and that didn't help at all to keep whatever he was holding in. 

At first, they were just watching a movie in Shiro’s room. Keith started feeling drowsy and then they kissed, their clothes got looser, buttons became unbuttoned, and bodies became a hot mess of gross teenage hormones and emotions. 

Keith had to admit, the first time hurt, badly. They both had no clue what they were doing and to this day Keith thinks the only thing that made him endure it was the fact that he was so intoxicated, half from the alcohol and half from Shiro reciprocating his feelings.

When they woke up the next day, Keith thought that they would go on about their lives, ignoring whatever the hell had happened that night, but Shiro held onto it. Keith remembered getting out of bed, putting on the closest shirt he could find on the floor and heading towards his room, only to be stopped by Shiro who took one look at him and pinned him to the wall to do the same dirty and foolish thing they had done the night before. 

After that, the cycle kept repeating. Shiro kept pushing him further, and Keith let him even when he deep down he knew it was fundamentally wrong. When they attended school, during Shiro's last year of high school, Keith learned just how much power Shiro truly had over him, how much he needed him to be happy, and it didn't take much to say, how much he needed him to  _survive_. 

But of course, Keith was still full of fire. He would still get into fights at school, and better yet he would get into fights with Shiro. With Shiro though it resorted in a lot less punching and blood, and a lot more kissing and lust. Both resulted in tears though, with Shiro they were always Keith's tears.

Up until Keith went off to college, Shiro continued to keep in constant touch. He would always come over for dinners. He would stay to watch the house while his parents went on vacation. He would do whatever he wanted to Keith. All he had to do was say the words, and Keith would push back everything, his hesitations, his tiredness, his dignity, all of it. All of it for Shiro. 

To this day it has been something they keep hidden. Their dirty secret that no one could ever find out. Keith could live with that, at least he thought he could until Shiro got a girlfriend. 

Every time after that, it felt wrong. Keith felt like he was intruding on someone's life and going against some type of moral code by letting Shiro do what he wanted.

He remembered fighting with Shiro about it. He remembered Shiro coming to visit him while their parents were away. He was drunk and barged into Keith’s room, pulling him out of his desk chair and yanking off his headphones, shoving his tongue in his mouth before even saying hi.

Keith remembered feeling scared. He had seen Shiro drunk, but that night was the first time Shiro _scared_ him. He had fought with Allura, his girlfriend and stormed home. It was the first time he had done anything remotely intimate with Keith since he had started dating and at first Keith didn’t know how to react.

“Allura?” He remembered squeaking as Shiro pushed him on his bed and gave him time to breathe.

“We fought,” Shiro had puffed out as he dipped down to catch Keith’s lips again. It was aggressive. It had hurt.

“Shiro, we-,” Keith mumbled as he placed his hands on Shiro’s chest. Shiro didn’t listen at all though and instead bit at Keith’s lips.

“Shiro, stop!” He had yelled as he shoved him off. “We shouldn’t,” Keith remembered how much it had taken him to say that. How much he had to will his eighteen-year-old self to do the right thing for both their sakes. As much as he had wanted Shiro all to himself, as much as he wanted Shiro to come crawling back to him, he knew that wasn’t right.

It had cost him several nights thinking about Shiro and Allura, about all the pros and cons, about the wrenching heart feeling of Shiro coming home with a girlfriend out of nowhere and being mature enough to try to be the bigger person.

“Come on,” Shiro had slurred his words as he put more of his heavy, strong body on Keith, forcing the air of Keith’s lungs, causing his heart to palpitate and lungs to constrict. He recalled not only the fear but the anger. The anger of the person he would do anything for treating him like his sloppy seconds. The infuriating fact that Shiro hadn’t come to visit in months and this was how he was greeting Keith.

Keith, who even though he didn’t fully believe it yet, deserved better.

“Shiro, you’re hurting me,” Keith tried to speak up as Shiro started to worm his way in for the first time in months. It stung, but Keith thought it was just cause it had been so long.

“Shiro, slow,” he squeaked as Shiro kept going, pulling down his jeans further down, digging himself deeper without care.

“I missed you,” Shiro said, ignoring Keith’s comment, ignoring how much he was shaking, how _bad_ this situation was becoming, how _scared_ he was making Keith.

“SHIRO, STOP!” Keith had yelped as Shiro did something wrong, Keith felt something _wrong_. It had been enough to cause Shiro to get out of his drunken haze. Keith could pinpoint the exact moment when his eyes widened, and he took in the sight that was a terrified, teary Keith.

“Keith,” Shiro had quietly said.

“Get out!” Keith had yelled as he curled in on himself.

Shiro had walked out like a hurt puppy. Keith remembered that night, he doubts Shiro remembers it fully. But he cried, he cried so hard, as he dragged his body to the bathroom in the empty house and curled into a ball under a hot shower. The sight of pink water bored into his memory as he wept uncontrollably, partly cause of the pain and partly because somehow his mind twisted it to make it seem like it was all his fault.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so hesitant, Shiro wouldn’t have pushed himself on him. Maybe if he hadn’t been so stubborn and not reached out to Shiro after he brought Allura home, he wouldn’t have run to him desperately after so many months.

Maybe if he wasn’t such an awful slut for Shiro, it wouldn’t have gone that far. He should have been stronger. He shouldn’t have let it go that far.

So, he blamed himself when Shiro didn’t contact him for months. He blamed himself for letting his tongue slip. He came to face the fact that if he said anything, there was a chance he would lose all of Shiro forever, that he would have to face the fact that maybe what happened was actually awful, or worse that Shiro didn’t care. So, if Shiro only came to him when he was drunk, when he was lonely, then he would hold onto that. If that was the only part of Shiro he deserved, he would take it.

He didn't make it easy for Shiro though. Once he got into college, he partied a lot, talked to a lot more people,  _met a lot more men._  Some he dated, some he just used to get Shiro's attention.

Some he used to forget he wanted Shiro's attention and what Shiro had done to him.

All of them made him feel horrible about himself. 

Even after Shiro broke up with his girlfriend, Keith was unable to break out of the cycle.

He had become something he hated. Always coming back to Shiro and using people to get there. Losing himself in the process. It wasn’t until junior year of college that he finally started getting it together. Stopped partying so much, stopped spiraling, but of course, the only constant was Shiro. The _effect_ Shiro had on him.

So, it was no surprise Shiro was here now, in his small loft in New York because he was bored on his business trip.

"How's junior year been going?" Shiro spoke up after running his fingers in Keith's hair. Keith rolled his eyes at the question. 

"You come into my apartment from the West coast to ask me how junior year of college is going?" Keith asks, his tone was sarcastic and harsh. 

"I guess it's a bit off-key for me," Shiro replied, pulling Keith's head in and kissing his forehead. Keith let out an annoyed groan, but before he could make another comment Shiro captured his lips. 

"Haven't seen you in so long. It gets lonely without you," Shiro said, his hot breath on Keith's lips. 

Keith didn’t say anything to that and continued to let Shiro kiss him, push him further. 

The night progressed like that, and Keith awoke to an empty bed, and a text message with a cheap excuse. 

* * *

Keith didn't really have many friends growing up. Not with all the foster homes, and definitely not with how bad his temper was as a child. Now, he didn't really have any friends out of pure choice. It wasn't that he wasn't approachable, it's that he just didn't want to deal with people, especially after getting over his party phase.

That's why when Lance fucking McClain asked him to be his partner in a writing workshop, he couldn't be more annoyed. The dude was actually the most emotionally draining person that Keith could think of. He was so loud, so talkative, but most of all he was so flirtatious. 

Everyday Lance would make a comment that would have Keith blushing or turning red, making everyone around him think he was constantly running a fever. And all Lance did was laugh at what type of misery he constantly caused Keith. 

The workshop partnership turned them into go-to partners, surprisingly. But Keith didn't really like branching out to work with other people, and Lance seemed not to mind him being his partner, so they kept the agreement as the year progressed. 

Lance was going into journalism, but also wanted to study photography. That meant that Keith got roped into a lot of photography projects. It's what finally convinced him to cut his hair. 

When he thought back to why he didn't cut his hair, it was mostly for Shiro. He always talked about how he liked braiding Keith's hair, how he liked how silky and smooth it was to run his fingers through. But Shiro hadn't come in three months, and Keith was taking full advantage on how Shiro was loosening the hold he had on Keith. And most importantly, the less of the effect Shiro was having on him.

After they graduated, Lance and he stayed in touch. And for the first time in a while, Keith had felt that he could finally stand on his own. A big turn of events happened when he went to a party.

He wasn't a people person, which meant he wasn't a party person. 

But because Lance begged him to go to his  _twenty-second birthday celebration,_  he became both of those people for just one night. Lance's friends were with him for a while before he drifted into a room by himself and started reading a book on his phone. He thought he could get through the whole noisy fiasco this way until someone found their way into what he had claimed as his "escape social contact" territory.

Apparently, the guy was looking for the same type of solace, and Keith just continued ignoring his surroundings and sat reading in one of the chairs by the corner. He thought everything was fine until he soon saw the guy in front of him, and he could suddenly smell how utterly wrecked and hammered the dude was. It almost made his eyes water. 

"You're sure pretty," the dude had said, and Keith brought his sober self to look up in annoyance. 

He had dealt with enough guys to know how to get out of the situation.

"Where you going, beautiful?" The guy asked, his voice hiccupping and his gaze unsteady as he placed his arms to lean against the wall, forming a cage-like structure around Keith. 

Keith just rolled his eyes and maneuvered out of the chair. It wasn't that hard when the guy was closer to blackout drunk than actual reality. The guy tried to grab at his arms, but Keith just swatted them away. As he left the room, he could hear the guy vomiting. He took that as the final straw that parties were _definitely_ not his thing anymore. He didn’t know how he ever _enjoyed_ trashing himself like that.

As he made his way back downstairs, he immediately made eye contact with Lance, who was singing "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" at the top of his lungs on the karaoke that was set up because of course, Lance would set up a karaoke. 

Lance had put on the widest smile Keith had ever seen, that if he didn't know him it would indicate he was an actual serial killer. Keith could tell Lance was a bit tipsy, but still sober. Surprisingly, even with all his big talk, Lance hated alcohol and hated getting completely hammered. 

He managed to catch how Keith was eyeing the door, his eyes darting from Lance towards the exit, and Lance ran up to him and grabbed him and made him dance.

"Come on, it's my birthday. Stay, you asshole," Lance said and Keith begrudgingly decided that he would stay for a little bit.

The total opposite happened because the last thing Keith remembered from that night is lots of tequila shots, a love confession, and arguably the best make-out session of his life. 

* * *

Shiro shows up out of nowhere within the next week and Keith decides he doesn't want these  _meetings_  to continue happening. Partly, because he actually thinks he gained the power of self-worth and the other part because in realizing his self-worth, he realized how much of an asshole Shiro really was.

They were sitting on his bed, in his small loft. Shiro was going on about how Keith cut his hair and Keith just zoned out, not knowing fully why it was so hard to just _say it_ , to just tell Shiro to _get out of his life._  

It wasn’t until Shiro tackled him and towered above him that Keith was forced to acknowledge the fact that he couldn’t just ignore his problems.

"I came all this way, and you don't miss me?" Shiro asked, his voice sounding all hurt as he pushed Keith's bangs out of his face and started kissing his temple. 

"Get off of me, you big dick," Keith retaliated as he groaned in annoyance. 

"I do, in fact, have a big dick," Shiro teased as he continued. "But you would know that wouldn't you," he continued, and Keith could feel the hardness against his body. He gulped, trying to hide how nervous he was, how annoying all of this situation was if he gave it too much thought. Shiro was older than him, more successful than him, smarter than him in many ways, and yet Keith had to be the bigger person.

He had to be the one to tell him to not fuck his younger brother.

"You are so annoying," Keith responded as he turned his head to the side. Shiro took that as an opportunity to suck on his neck.

"Why are you holding back all of a sudden?" Shiro asked, his voice filled with irritation. As if having Keith not just melt in his hands like putty was an inconvenience.

Keith didn't respond and just placed his hands on Shiro's chest, still avoiding eye contact. 

"Are you seeing someone, again?" Shiro asked as if it was such a typical question to ask. 

"Why are you like this?" Keith asked, a little quieter in case it pissed Shiro off. 

"What do you mean  _like this?_ " Shiro asked as he looked down at Keith, grabbing his chin so he was forced to look at him. "You made me like this. With your teasing and your little games you played when you dated other people."

Something in Shiro clicked. 

"Is that it?" Shiro asked. "Are you actually dating someone?" He teased and Keith pulled his chin away and turned red. Shiro laughed as he dragged his hand up Keith's shirt, pinching and causing Keith to yelp. 

"Shiro," Keith said, the seriousness in his voice bleeding into the situation.

"You were fine doing it when I was with Allura. But you can't do it when your reputation is on the line? That's a bit selfish don't you think?" Shiro asked as he backed off Keith’s face and went to unbutton his jeans.

"It's not that," Keith gasped out, gripping his bedsheets tighter as he propped himself on his elbows. He didn’t know why it was getting harder to breathe, why it was hard to be around Shiro now.

"Is he better than me? Is that why? Does he know what you like?" Shiro asked as he started handling himself.

Keith doesn't respond as Shiro continued, causing Keith to bite his cheek and try to hold tears he couldn’t even explain in, fearful of what Shiro had in mind.

"So, he must not be that good," Shiro said as he continues. 

"He's good at talking," Keith let out, as he inched up to sit down on the bed. "And kissing," Keith tried to say before he feels Shiro yank his hair down and his body to the floor.

Keith yelped as he tried to lessen the impact, trying to catch himself.

He didn't even know why he said that. Sure, Lance liked him, but they hadn't made it past kissing and pathetic excuses for dates. It wasn't anything special, but it was different. When he was with Lance he felt like he deserved to be in his presence as much as he did in his. He felt loved, he felt cared for. He didn't feel scared. He never had to question if he was rape-hurt. He didn't even have to think about it. He was just...nothing like Shiro. 

“Shiro, let me go,” Keith said as he tried to remain calm.

“Since when are you so demanding?” Shiro chuckled as he brought Keith’s face closer to his groin.

“Shiro,” Keith said as Shiro shoved into his mouth, aggressively forcing himself further, ignoring the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

“You’ll get over him, Keith. Don’t worry, you always do,” Shiro said, almost menacingly. 

"You-fast, too fast," he pants as he got room to catch his breath, but Shiro doesn't listen, instead just lets go of his hair, causing Keith to grip his thighs to try to push him off. Keith started feeling scared, the same type of scared he spent weeks, months, and even _now_ to get over since he was eighteen. He tried to hold in his whimper as he kept struggling. He wouldn’t let this happen _again_.

"I've been with you for ten years. I know what you like Keith. You grew up in  _my_  house. I was your first," Shiro kept rambling on, but Keith's eyes started watering, and he struggled to string sounds together to form words as he got the strength to push Shiro off.

"You don't care about me," Keith responded angrily as he wiped his mouth and looked down to the floor, scooting back so he was leaning back on the side of his cheap, small bed. He stared down at the floor, away from Shiro as he spoke. "You come to see me when you are lonely, and you leave me here," Keith continued, letting out what he should have said ages ago. "Don't pretend like you are a big part of my-," Keith tried to continue, but Shiro yanked his head up as he grabbed a bunch of his hair from the top.

Keith’s teary eyes were made to look him face to face.

"Don't pretend  _you_  don't want this,” Shiro said with so much anger that he was spitting with each sharp syllable.

“You chased after me every time. Since you were a teenager, I could see how hopelessly in love you were. If you really didn't want this, you wouldn't even answer the door. You are more than capable of doing what you want. If you didn't want me around, you would push me away. I know you would. And you know I would stop. Don't make me something I'm not, Keith," Shiro said.

Then he scoffed.

"We both know you open that door and answer my calls because you want to, because you can’t live without me," Shiro said. 

And it hurt more somehow hearing it from him. 

He could handle knowing how pathetic he was but facing the fact that Shiro knew it too and used it for his own benefit.

It was a different kind of hurt. 

“Well, I want to be able to!” Keith then found it in himself to say. He cringed at how small and broken his voice sounded as he freed himself from Shiro’s hold and buried his face in his hands, trying to recollect himself, each emotion straining to keep going.

“I want to be able to not need you to live. I want to be able to not open the door. But I can’t, Shiro! I can’t because I love you so much,” Keith paused as he looked up at Shiro, a mix of anger and sadness in his eyes as he felt years of trauma and emotions tipping over.

“I love you despite how _awful_ you treat me. Despite the number of times you throw me around like your personal sex toy, like your _whore_. Because you _know_ I can’t say no. You _use_ that, and I’m tired, Shiro. I don’t want to let you do what you want anymore.”

“I don’t want to be yours anymore,” Keith let out, finally bringing his eyes down, sucking in a nasally breath and wiping his eyes.

It was silent for a moment, and Keith thought Shiro had walked away for a moment before he heard a zipper. Shiro looked down at him as he finished tucking himself in.

“This is how you repay me,” Shiro simply said, voice so monotone that Keith preferred it to be angrier.

“My family takes you in. I care for you like you’re my own brother for years. I teach you how to ride a bike, how to take care of your stupid emotions when you are confused as fuck because no foster home ever took the time that _we_ took to care for you! I help you in school, help you get into a good college. Help pay for your future, and this is how you treat me. You accuse me of being a what? What are you _even_ saying, Keith?” Shiro says in a voice so calm yet so threatening that it makes Keith’s heart toss and turn and make him want to take back everything he said.

“You saying I make you a whore? It’s not my fault that you slept with half your class in the first two years of college. It’s not my fault you’re so fucking _easy_! You want to blame me for making you what you are, you want to label me like a fucking what? Are you saying I made you do all those things when you didn’t want to?” Shiro kept going as Keith’s tears ran dry in shock, as guilt settled in deeper and pierced through all the years of emotions he tried to reason through, as Shiro invaded all the sleepless nights, all the justifications and times he picked himself up from every awful thing Shiro put him through.

“Are you a fucking baby that can’t say no? Are you such a _slut_ that you want to call me a _rapist_ for giving you what you wanted? Is that it, Keith? Is that what you’re trying to say?” Shiro cut deeper as Keith looked up at his with puffy eyes and swollen lips, his shirt still unbuttoned and cheeks damp.

“I don’t know,” Keith was barely able to say as he wiped away his tears and wrapped his arms across his chest as he tried to reason through everything. It was too much to process. It was too much to hear the person he loved the most materialize all the worst case scenarios he burdened himself with.

“You don’t know?” Shiro scoffed, anger continuing to flow through him. It was suffocating, it felt like he was drowning in all the ideas that Shiro had brought up, all the points that Keith’s mind was validating. He didn’t know what to do, the pounding in his whole body bringing him to tears again as he didn’t know, he didn’t know _anything_ anymore. He just wanted to get out, he wanted Shiro to get out.

“I’m sorry,” Keith brought himself to say as his voice was streaked with tears.

“Huh,” Shiro scoffed again and Keith could feel how warm he was getting, how embarrassed and humiliated he felt. How _dumb_ he felt for thinking he had a point, how _pathetic_ it was for him to play victim, and how at the end of the day it felt like everything was his fault.

He was crazy, idiotic, terrible, awful, accusing someone that had done so much for him of such an awful thing.

“I’m sorry, Shiro,” Keith let out again as he broke down completely, going into uncontrollable sobs, the ones where it’s hard to breathe and control every action of his body.

He didn’t speak after that, he couldn’t. All he felt was Shiro wrapping his arms around him and carrying him to his bed, tucking him in next to him as he put on a movie and let Keith calm down.

He truly was pathetic. He didn’t even know what he wanted anymore. To be quite honest, he didn’t know what he had wanted before. A relationship? To go back when they weren’t like this? To not have Shiro in his life?

Keith couldn’t deny the fact that a huge part of him still wanted that.

And despite everything, Keith knew, he fundamentally knew, that this was _wrong_. He couldn’t ignore the tugging feeling that what Shiro was doing _hurt_. That despite Shiro making it feel like it was his fault, his brain couldn’t ignore all the years of trauma that kept Keith up at night; even if Keith had already accepted that he was a terrible person.

But it was foolish for Keith to just think Shiro would ever let him go, to think that he could have stood up to the one person that knows all of his buttons, that created most of them just so he would be the only one that knew how to work Keith.

So, for now, they would settle for this. 

It seemed like Keith would  _always_  be settling for this.


End file.
